Jessi (munkeyluver) wrote,

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hard time being alive without being analytical

I can't believe how many people there are in the world. And somehow we are all linked together. There is a vast amount of space, up there, stars, planets, could no one occupie it? that is an aweful wasate of space if you ask me.
I keeping thinking about everyone I know. How my friend Chris at work lives down the street from shannon's ex boyfriend tim and went to school with her sister. How he also knows Erica. How niqui and I were good friends in 6 and 7th grade then drifted apart and now we work together and we are getting closer again (which rocks my world cause I am in love with her.) How when I first started talking to Cody the one person he knew from my area in which I live went to school with me and happened to be a friend of mine (she is also his cousin.)There are so many other things that link everyone I know right back to where I started...but there aren't many I can think of right now. Tara I know you can relate, that one night at the Big JC's party where everyone their mother and their girlfriends showed up. Weird right?
I don't know sometimes I think way to hard about life and the way things work. I thik "what if the guy I am supposed to marrie was in my 9th grade bioligy class and I don't remember him. But then I meet him when I go to college and we start all over and fall in love." "What if this person is someone I have known my whole life and never even thought of that way until we get older." "what if I am really a lesbian and fall in love with a women, what a fun explanation to tell my parents" I have all of these what ifs and who knows flowing back and forth in my head. Times like this I give myself a headache.
I wish that I could tell the future and be able to help myself along the way but, no one can, we learn as we go. But then when I say that I think "learn as we go, what about re-destination? what about God pre defining and setting everything in our lives? what if their is really no choice but only what we have been programed to live out?" "do I really believe I don't."
Why do I feel utterly crazy sometimes. My brain is racked and My heart is filled with so much depression and hate and hunger for something greater. I want to be great....but can't figure out how. Obstacles, we all have them. I am tired. I want to sleep. What if I am insane? I think that sometimes. I scare myself. When I don't sleep and I hear things and see things and do things that I read are leagally insane. I say things sometimes....they just don't make any sense. I feel like I need to "find" myself. My true self. I feel as though this person I am the personality I portray is only a character, only a fictional character. You know how sometimes you will be reading a book and then you will think to yourself "I hate this character, I wish they would die!" that is how I think of myself. Not that me as a whole, my body and soal would die. But this character that I hate. The part of me that when I listen to my voice recorded makes my skin crawl. I want to love myself. I do! But first I must kill this piece of me that I hate so much. I want to be the true me. Under the propoganda. Under the things I have been sold and brought up and taught to believe. I need to grow my own mind. I hope you all will take the time to read this. I don't know it's just thoughts. I guess I don't really care if you have an oppinion or not on the subject of me. But It feels good when people read what you wrote and make profound coments in reply to it. I love you all.
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